I went to my mothers for dinner last night, in my room I found an old journal. This is an entry from 6/20/04:
I used to dream about my wedding day when I was younger. I can still see it in my head. I had the whole event planned down to the color of the napkins, and then all of a sudden my dreams came crashing down around me and I've been buried under the rubble for the past five years.
After M and I broke up, I didn't have the desire to be married anymore. I thought the whole idea of it was bullshit. I wasted 6 years of my life with the same man and had my heart broken. I wasn't about to make the same mistake again.
But now, 27 is fast approaching and I'm still jumping from guy to guy before any of them get too close. The only ones I let in a little are the guys that I have no future with or can't have a future with.
I don't want to do this anymore. I want to be in love again. I want to wake up in the morning next to a man who I couldn't bear to be without. I want to be able to come home from work and have someone to hug and kiss and tell how my day went. I want someone I cant talk to no matter how serious or how wacky it may be. I want a nice house in a nice neighborhood with good schools and a family. But no matter how bad I want all of this, I don't see any of it happening. All I see in my future is A growing up and getting married while I'm alone waiting for her to visit me with my grandchildren.
That was a little over 4 years ago. And although I am in a serious relationship (3 years in October) and live with someone who I love more than myself an our relationship is great and exactly what I described in my journal, I still don't know if I'm happy. I mean really happy. I still feel like I am missing something in my life.
Are you perfectly happy and content with your life? Or do you think that after every wish we wish for comes true and every goal that we set is met, that we will still want more?
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